a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
