I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
