i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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