the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
