so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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