sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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