Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
