I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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