Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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