My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
