I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
