wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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