if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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