I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
