So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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