Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
