Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
