Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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