How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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