nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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