Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
