what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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