Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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