I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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