I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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