my phone needs a breathalizer
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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