I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
