He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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