woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
