I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
