history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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