Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
