i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
