These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
