The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
