Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
