thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize