im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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