U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
