So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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