broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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