Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
