my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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