Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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