Your mouth is God's brothel.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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