and i looked up. we had an audience...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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