Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
