Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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