The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
