i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
