You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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