JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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