dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
