I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
