I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
