Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
