just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
