Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
