So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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